Episode 16: Fighting Emotions
As Agents Tawaki and Melpomene portalled back to Response Center #74088 (after feeding the child of Merlinus Ambrosius and Rowena Ravenclaw to a Quintaped), there came a knock at the door.
“Who's there?” asked Melpomene.
“Just me,” said Tadkeeta.
“Come in,” said Tawaki. Tadkeeta did.
“I have two reasons for coming here,” said Tadkeeta. “One, to let you know I'm now working with Agent Eclectica.”
“Agent who?” asked Tawaki.
“Eclectica. A new recruit and a ripoff on The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy's Eccentrica Galumbits.”
“Where is T'Zar?” asked Melpomene.
“Assigned to work with Agent-“
Tawaki read the message aloud. “We apologize for the inconvenience. We are currently testing an emergency lockdown system, in the event of another invasion. You will only be able to generate portals to your response center, any fics you may have to deal with, and Medical. Once again, we apologize for the inconvenience. Signed, Captain Dandy, Department of External Security.”
Melpomene sighed. “Just what we-”
“It's a Narnia fic,” said Tawaki. “Modern children go to Narnia.” As Narnia no longer existed, such a fic was DoTO jurisdiction.
“WHAT?” Tadkeeta was irate. She was Narnian herself; in fact, her father had sailed on the Dawn Treader.
“It starts on Earth, and in the second chapter goes to Narnia.”
Melpomene thought a minute. “Let's be servants until they go through the wardrobe, and then become Centaurs.”
“I'll come,” said Tadkeeta as she programmed the disguises. “I mean, there's nothing else I can do. Besides, you helped me with a DoGA mission once.”
“How could I forget?” asked Tawaki. “That was right before we wound up in the mirror multiverse, after all.”
Katarina Terrence smiled as she watched her littlest brother sleep soundly on his bed. The four orphans had lived on their own for several years now, but their aunt and her English husband invited the Terrence children to live with them in the English country side. Katarina had hesitated, but eventually she gave in. It was hard working, going to school, and caring for her three younger siblings. It would be better for her siblings too. They needed an adult to care for them, not a teenager.
“Can you say 'angst?'” observed Tawaki.
“Angst,” replied Melpomene. “Really, Tawaki, was that necessary?”
Tawaki pounded his head against a wall
There were four Sues and Stus: Katarina, James, Lily, and Matthew Terrence.
“'James' and 'Lily?'” asked Tawaki. “Charge for ripping OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFF-”
A temporal-spatial wrench flung them into a British railway station. Tawaki pulled himself out of a garbage can. “Charge for time wrenches,” he groaned.
“I'm on it,” groaned Melpomene from a corner.
“Well, not a lot of people live here, so I don’t think that they would need a huge station,” James said.
A bright red mini van drove up to the station and a man stuck his head out of the window. James scowled because it was Mr. Kirk.“Mr. Kirk?” Katarina asked.
A mini-Dragon flew down. “A surname-only mini,” observed Melpomene. “That's a switch.”
“Actually, said Tawaki, “its tail's too thick for that purpose.”
“A switch to use on the Sue.”
As Melpomene groaned at the pun, a second mini, Diggory Kirk, landed.
“Let's skip the pending movie ripoff,” said Melpomene.
“We can't,” replied Tawaki.
“We need the charges.”
Sure enough, this Kirk fellow was playing the rôle of Mrs. MacReady, even though he was the professor himself.
“We can record the charge for ripping off the movie,” said Tadkeeta.
“And do not disturb me while I’m in my study.”
“Do you need me to do any chores?” Kat asked. “I’m so used to working that I would feel useless if I was doing nothing.”
“I have a house keeper,” Mr. Kirk said. “But if you want to you can help work on your bedrooms. They’re dusty because they haven’t been used since the second world war. Uncle Diggory let four siblings from London stay here.”
“That was nice of him,” Kat said.
“KATARINA! JAMES! LILY! MATTIE!” A woman who looked very much like Kat but with darker hair screamed when she saw them. She ran down the stairs and threw her amrs around Kat. “I’m so glad you finally decided to come!” Kat stiffened. She hated being hugged. She hated being touched period. Now her was her aunt simply smothering her in a hug. “It’s been so long, and I’ve missed you so much!”
Tawaki pulled out his CAD.
Mr. Kirk. Human Male. Gary Stu. Terminate.
Julia. Human female. Non-canon. Bit character. Recruit? Terminate?
“It's your discretion,” said Tadkeeta, “but remember I was recruited from a Narnia badfic.”
“I know,” said Melpomene.
“What's an amr?”
“I haven't a clue. By the way, Tawaki, you'd better take the Anti-Lustin now.” When they took the form of Centaurs, they would not be wearing anything.
Tawaki took a dose. Meanwhile, Matthew Stu complained that it was too cold, and asked why they had to be sent to the Kirke residence. Katarina Sue replied that that was the only way they could be kept together.
WHAM! They were catapulted onto the grounds, where Katarina Sue and James Stu were setting up a rope as a makeshift tennis net. Melpomene just missed getting entangled in it. Then, Matthew Stu and Lily Sue ran into the house.
“They're going for the wardrobe,” announced Melpomene.
“Let's portal to Narnia,” suggested Tawaki.
When the Agents arrived as Centaurs, Lucy Sue and Matthew Stu were talking to Tumnus in a ripoff of the movie. The remote activator emitted a bing.
“That'll be Upstairs ending the lockdown,” said Tadkeeta. Somewhere, Murphy laughed as Tawaki read the message and swore profusely in the dominant language of Species 571.
“Watch your language,” said Tadkeeta.
“Listen to this. 'Attention, Protectors of the Plot Continuum. The lockdown is no longer a drill. There is a macrovirus epidemic sweeping Headquarters, which is therefore under total quarantine until further notice. All portals in and out of HQ are blocked. Signed, Captain Dandy, Department of External Security and Doctor Fitzgerald, Medical Department.'”
“Flaming Denethor!” The macrovirus is a nasty pathogen from Star Trek; either a virus or virus-like creature that grows in proportion to the host whose neck it hatched from. They infect hosts by injecting or spraying them with slime. If the disease runs its course, the unconscious host will churn out bugs until he/she/it dies of hunger or thirst. Tadkeeta had employed the bugs against a Tucker!Sue about a year earlier and gotten reprimanded by the Bonsai Mallorn for endangering the PPC. And now, the plague was loose in HQ.
Tumnus led Lily Sue and Matthew Stu to his home, and started telling them about the Pevensies.
Mr. Tumnus pored out some tea for her. “Once there was a dreadful winter, just like this one, that lasted for a hundred years because the White Witch had taken over Narnia. A prophecy said when the thrones at Cair Parvel were filled, the evil times would be over, so she told everyone that if they were to meet a human, they were to hand them over to her. One day I was walking right where I was walking today, and I met Lucy.”
Tumnus bled tea. Tadkeeta used words she must have picked up from her father.
“And you get on my case for my bad language,” said Tawaki.
“The four Pevensies were my greatest heroes when I was growing up!” replied Tadkeeta.
“Oh look,” said Melpomene. “It's a mini!” Sure enough, Cair Parvel the mini-Dragon was flying around. Something burned Tawaki's left hand; he looked and saw that his CAD was melting. He pulled his KI-cellphone out of the knapsack Tadkeeta had programmed, and dialed up Makes-Things' number.
“Hello?” asked Makes-Things.
“This is Tawaki. Are you inside HQ or out?”
“In. If you want a CAD replaced, talk to whoever delivers you and Melpomene a TARDIS.” A low, almost subsonic, buzzing could be heard. “Oh no!” cried Makes-Things. “Get a phaser, Agent Cameron!” Then he screamed. Tawaki heard a sickening crunch and a thump, and the connection ended.
“Makes-Things? Makes-Things? MAKES-THINGS? S---.” Tawaki closed the phone. He and Tadkeeta prayed quickly for HQ and those locked inside.
“Before I was arrested I went to the Beavers and told them about Lucy,” Mr. Tumnus said. “And I gave Beaver the handkerchief that Lucy had given me. The Beavers found Lucy when she came back with her siblings. The told t6he siblings about Aslan the king of Narnia and the prophecy that declared they would become the kings and queens of Narnia. Mr. Tumnus went on to tell them about Edmund’s betrayal, the remaining siblings journey, Aslan’s sacrifice, the battle against the witch, their crowning, and their disappearance.
“They simply disappeared?” Lily asked.
Mr. Tumnus nodded. “But another prophecy says that they will come back,” he explained. “And at the same time they reenter Narnia, four siblings from many lands will come here. The eldest will rise, and she will become high queen of Narnia. She will have been a servant who knows lost with chocolate eyes.”
“Anyone didn't see that coming?” asked Tawaki.
“It says 'from many lands,' pointed out Tadkeeta.
“They're American,” reminded Tawaki. “Many of us, if not most, have mixed ethnic backgrounds.”
“She knows 'lost,'” said Melpomene. “Isn't that a TV show?”
“That’s what mom always told Kat and Mattie,” Lily said. “Remember? We all have green eyes, but she said that you two had chocolate eyes.”
Mattie smiled. “It made me seem special,” he said.
“So Kat is going to be your high queen?” Lily asked. “But she’s never been to Narnia. She doesn’t believe in magic anymore.”
“She has to come here soon, or else more people will die,” Mr. Tumnus said.
Naturally, Kat Sue would have to marry King Peter.
Lily Sue and Matthew Stu returned to Earth and tried to talk to Kat Sue and James Stu. Stress on “tried.” Three Centaurs entered the room, much to the surprise and dismay of the Sues and Stus.
“Oops,” said Melpomene. “We forgot to change disguise.”
Melpomene continued. “Katarina, James, Lily, and Matthew Terrence, you are charged with being charged with being Mary Sues and Gary Stus, with creating temporal and spatial wrenches, with having the Kirke residence still exist (it was destroyed in a Blitz), with having Narnia still exist, with having Peter, Edmund, and Lucy still alive, with having 'chocolate eyes,' (Tawaki's finding keeping to his diet hard enough as it is), with making Tumnus bleed tea, with making him still be alive (he's died twice, you know) and – uh-oh.”
Julia had burst into the room. “Someone screamed?”
“Yes,” said Lily Sue, “Look for yourself.” Unbeknownst to Julia, Tadkeeta snuck up behind her and administered a Vulcan nerve pinch, a skill she had picked up from a mind-meld with T'Zar. Then, Tawaki and Tadkeeta proceeded to kick the Sues to death. Immediately, the house disappeared.
Where it had been, they saw a pillar box appear. They resumed their normal forms and opened it; it was the TARDIS they had been promised. Inside it had the layout of their response center, with bathroom, Melpomene's room, and the control room complete with regeneration alcove. Saaveedroo and Rabbadash were curled up by the control panel. Techno-Dann was operating the controls.
“Tawaki? Melpomene?” said Techno-Dann. “This is your TARDIS. Just before the quarantine went up, Makes-Things sent the rest of us in DoSAT to procure a TARDIS for each pair and trio of Agents in the field, to help you out.” He turned to Tadkeeta. “You and Eclectica have your own TARDIS, just through this portal. I'm sorry, but the only uncontaminated Sun Crusher is currently in the possession of Agents Takua and Jareth.”
“And where is training going on?” asked Melpomene. “We have a recruit, Agent-to-be Julia.”
“Where is she?” asked Techno-Dann; there was no sign of an OC anywhere.
“Oh snap,” said Melpomene. “She must have been obliterated with the house.”
“Can you replace my CAD?” asked Tawaki. “Makes-Things said to ask you.”
“Here are the codes to make your equipment.” Techno-Dann handed them a sheet of paper. “You will need them, as Makes-Things is dead.”
“Dead?” asked Tadkeeta.
“I'm afraid so. I have been in contact with the Hornbeam. With Paul Bunyan infected, there are bugs that almost fill the height and width of a corridor, and one of them skewered Makes-Things through the heart. A Security Dandelion found the body by a smashed phone and the exploded remains of the bug in question. Now, I must give Maria and Crispin their TARDIS. You will find a manual on the control panel. You must go to the town of PPC-HQ in New Caledonia. The TARDIS coordinator is the Corkscrew Cattail.” Techno-Dann took Kirk, Diggory Kirk, and Cair Parvel and portalled on. Tadkeeta and Tawaki kissed goodbye and she portalled to her TARDIS.
For the masochistic among you, the story can be found at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2939365/1/Fighting_Emotions.