I changed the thought-speak quotes because of HTML issues.
Episode 6: GEM STONED: Yeerk Buster
Tawaki returned to RC 4096 with Saaveedroo the mini-Camoudile. As soon as they got back, ro'Jetthe growled and Saaveedroo bared his teeth. “Oh no,” groaned Tawaki. “You remember how in Myst 4: Revelation, there was only one camoudile at a time?”
“You mean- Oh no.” Tangara sighed. If camoudiles are territorial, there was a problem. “You keep an eye on them while I go get a replacement CAD.”
Tangara dashed over to the console and her jaw dropped. “What the?” she gasped.
Tawaki sighed. “Your tone suggests severe qanonreip. SirrusAchenar? No, that'd be Bad Slash. Mary Sue steals Aitrus from Ti'ana? A Terahnee quite vocal in his or her opposition to slavery who isn't killed for it?”
“It's not even Myst. Self-insert!Sue takes over the Animorphs after Jake steps down on a whim.”
Tawaki was livid. “Jake does WHAT!?”
“That's not the worst part of it. For more than five years this fic had gone unnoticed.”
Tawaki sighed. “Well, it's come to us. Stop fighting, you two!” he added to the minis, who were at it tooth and claw on top of the bookcase.
“Let's go in as ourselves,” said Tangara. “Me as I looked before your Stu pulled me into Wahrk Lake with him.”
Tawaki was trying to keep the minis from killing each other, and they were attacking him too. “Ouch! Good idea, Tangara. Oww...”
“Now, your CAD is only good for ballpark estimates, so I'll get my new CAD now. You take one of the minis to Mini Care while I go see Makes-Things.”
Tawaki took Saaveedroo. Mini Care looked like the nursery except that instead of children there were minis of all types. Mini-Balrogs, mini-Aragogs, mini-Luggages, mini-Dragons, mini-Gwythaints, and more. There were even a mini-Hi-Blah (from the Demented Cartoon Movie) and a mini-Pollicle (from Cats).
“This is Saaveedroo,” said Tawaki. “We have a mission and my temporary partner has a mini of the same territorial species.”
The mini-Pollicle growled, and bonked its head on the gate trying to get at Tawaki as he left.
“DOWN, Due Deronomy!” commanded the caretaker.
When they returned from their errands, they portalled into the fic. They materialized in the loading program from The Matrix, except there was nothing to load. Only Tawaki, Tangara, and the Animorphs were visible.
“This is what a complete lack of setting does,” indicated Tangara.
"Well, since Erek says that the Yeerks are planning an all round attack then I think we should
..." Jake said.
"Plan an all round attack our selves!" Rachel yelled happily.
"Actually ..." Jake said.
"OR, we could just sit back and watch the Yeerks take over, no big deal," Marco muttered.
[I'd rather hunt a rat or two,] Tobias commented.
Tawaki sighed. “Sounds more like the tramp in C. S. Lewis' That Hideous Strength. Mark wanted a plan to get out; the place they were in was evil. But the tramp only wanted to make some toasted cheese.”
Tangara reached for her CAD. It emitted a shrill whine, but she quickly hit mute. It showed that all the Animorphs were getting more and more OOC by the second.
"Ooh! A rat?" Cassie squealed, "I've always wanted to dissect a rat!"
[I eat rats, I don't dissect them.]
"Well, we could dissect it first then you could eat it ... by the way, how does rat meat taste?"
[It tastes great! Tastes like chicken ... I wonder whether I could eat chicken as a hawk?]
“Cooper's hawks have been known to take red junglefowl,” said Tawaki, “but not red-tails.”
“Red junglefowl?” asked Tangara.
“The ornithological common name for chickens.”
“Nerd,” whispered Tangara.
“I heard that."
The Animorphs' discussion got more and more out of control. Finally, unable to get a word in edgewise, Jake RESIGNED AS LEADER! Tawaki and Tangara could only stare in horror at the wreck of canon. They didn't know Tangara's CAD had combusted until she dropped it with a cry of pain.
“Oh no,” she groaned. “Makes-Things is going to kill me.”
Ax was freaking out. That was actually understandable, given the sheer amount of OOC. But then the Sue arrived.
There was a sudden bang, then the room was full of smoke. They all coughed.
"W-who's there. Cough!" Rachel asked.
"Who do you think?" a voice replied in a
exaggerating a little, but isn't that the whole point of being a fan fiction writer?).
The Suethor's voice boomed around them in a really shrill voice. And the Agents had forgotten their glopsnerch earmuffs.
Luckily, the Sue and Animorphs thought they were in the barn or somewhere like that and thought there were walls close by. And so they interpreted visual data accordingly. Therefore, they did not notice the Agents.
"Rachel doesn't think, it's sort of impossible, what with her not having a brain and everything,"
Marco said through the smoke.
"Shut up, Marco," Rachel snapped.
Suddenly, a girl with long black (X-X-Black, get it?)
Another Suethor's note boomed around them. They did not get the joke.
hair and green eyes stepped through the
smoke, muttering, "I have got to work on those entrances."
"You!" Cassie screeched, "I remember you!"
"Thanks," the girl sighed, "I've got fans everywhere."
"Fan fiction dot net!" Cassie whispered, "You're Gem Stoned!"
“Why don't they suspect her of being a Controller?” asked Tawaki. Tangara didn't answer.
The Animorphs and the Sue discussed something called Ecstatic Egg Wear and about flavored underwear. Tawaki was glad he had forgotten to have lunch. Tangara took a swig of Bleepka.
"Anyway," Gem said, "I'm not here to talk about jockeys on your toe. I'm here about being the
new leader of the animorphs."
"New leader of the animorphs?" Marco asked.
"Yes, Jake just quit on you. Didn't you notice?"
"How did you know?"
"I know everything." Gem said mysteriously, "actually, it's in book number fifty six. And K.A.
Applegate said the last one was supposed to be fifty five! Hah! The liar."
"B-but fifty six hasn't come out yet."
“Becoming leader... when... you only... just arrived.” Tawaki was recording charge after charge. “Making them know... they're... book characters. Improper lack... of capitalization. Injuring PPC Agents... with… gratuitous author's notes.”
“There's one other Sue,” noted Tangara. “Let's portal.”
They portalled to the school. There, they met the other Sue, Gem's “rival.”
The next day at school, Marco stepped up to the mysterious new girl who was in a large brown
coat, dark glasses and a hat, "hey, babe," he said suavely while trying to do his cool (or so he
thought) Rustle Crowe impersonation, "mind if I rustle your crow?"
“Wha?” asked Tawaki. The Animorphs and Sue engaged in more inane chatter. Then the other Sue arrived.
"Why, if it isn't Gem Stoned."
Marco and Gem turned around, "Oh, Forlay!" Gem squealed, giving Forlay a very
uncomfortable hug, "What are you doing here in ________?"
Tangara scowled. “Ax's mother could not be reached for comment. Also, Alloran might have known about Elfangor's family, and probably had had a guide to baby names batting around his scoop anyway, so such a name would scream 'Andalite.'”
"Oh, I'm just visiting ________, the ________ans are so friendly!"
“How did she manage to pronounce those underscores?” asked Tawaki.
“The same way you pronounce those shift-number characters when cursing,” replied Tangara.
Forlay started circling Marco
and Gem like the vulture that she is - hey, I'm allowed to have views! "Who's your friend,
Here Forlay turned for a few seconds into a California condor. Tawaki ground his teeth. “As an avid birdwatcher, I am fâché with this bint. You DON'T turn into a bird if you're a Mary Sue when Agent Tawaki Penguin is around.”
"Oh, Marco - Forlay. Forlay - Marco."
"What do you mean the Marco?" Marco asked.
Forlay ignored Marco, "So you're using the Animorphs are you?" Forlay laughed mockingly,
"you think you're going to destroy me, with the Animorphs?" Forlay walked away, laughing as
“Okay,” raved Tawaki. “This is getting old. And we don't have enough charges against Forlay yEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!” A spatial wrench threw them to the barn. Tawaki landed by a cage that housed a Hutton's vireo with a broken wing. Tangara had damaged a squirrel's cage and the squirrel had bolted.
"Okay, okay," Gem said in Cassie's barn, "my plan wasn't exactly just to fry Yeerks, I admit!"
"So what was your plan?" Cassie asked shrewdly.
"I just er ..."
"Tell us the truth, or else," Rachel snapped.
Gem was not threatened, "Or else what? You'll turn into a teddy bear?"
"Just tell us, will you!" Marco said, "I have a date with Viscera Tree after this."
[Viscera Tree?] Tobias asked.
"Yes," Marco snapped, "you got a problem with that? We met at the Yeerk pool last night."
“What the 1@#$!?” demanded Tawaki. “Marco dating a stranger he met at the Yeerk Pool, a stranger with a name close to 'Visser Three?'”
“Repeat after me, Tawaki,” said Tangara. “'Logic and Sues don't mix.”
“Logic and Sues don't mix.”
"As Marco told you," she gave Marco an angry look, "we met Forlay at school today."
[Who's Forlay?] Tobias asked.
"I was getting to that, Tobias," Gem scowled, "Forlay is my arch-enemy. She t-t-threatened to
give me a hic... hic ... cyber-throttling!"
“A this this cyber-throttling?” punned Tawaki.
“What?” asked Tangara.
“'Hic' is the nominative masculine singular form of the Latin word for 'this.'”
"A cyber-throttling?" Marco laughed.
"Hey, don't act so smart, buster." Gem said. "Marco dearie, you're definitely not 18, not a Yves
Saint Laurent model and you don't make five hundred dollars per second. So you're not one to
talk. Oh, and by the way, StonedGirl56 on StonedChat dot com was just moi checking up on
“Who or what is Yves St. Laurent?” asked Tawaki. Tangara shrugged.
Marco suddenly looked pale, perhaps because of Rachel's taunting laughter.
"Anyway, we're launching a net-war, and I needed some heroes of sorts, so I chose you."
“Oh my Yahvo,” gasped Tangara.
It turned out that Stoned was simply getting the Animorphs as seconds in the cyber-duel. She said that Forlay had enlisted Harry Potter, who, Stoned said, could only turn one of the Animorphs into a pig. Rachel called Marco a pig. Tawaki had curled up like Saavedro trapped between the shields in Myst III: Exile. “No. No. Idiot. No! No no no! No! No!” he quoted.
“Want to get her now?” asked Tangara gleefully.
Tawaki took Stoned and they portalled to the old Arn wall-cities on the Hork-Bajir homeworld. Tangara bound the Sue with some spare rope, as Tawaki's was too important to waste. Meanwhile, Tawaki cleared his throat.
“Gem Stoned!” he began. “Thou art charged with being a Mary Sue (subclass pointless self-insert), playing God, throwing the Animorphs waaaaaay out of character, making Rachel's jibes at Marco draw blood, making jokes worse than Tawaki's- HEY! Anyway, art further charged with not letting them be suspicious (they need to be if they are to survive), becoming leader of the Animorphs right off the bat, making them know they're book characters, improper lack of capitalization, making Marco date a random Controller, making the Animorphs thy fanpoodles, creating thy own krutzing fansite, trying to get the Animorphs into thy petty spat, and krutzing off Agents. Oh, and there were only fifty-four numbered books. Any last words?”
The Sue spat on Tawaki, who drew a finger across his throat. Tangara gleefully launched the Sue off the edge and the Sue fell to the mantle of the world and incinerated.
Then they went for Forlay, whom they found in the loading program. She had Harry Potter under her enchantment.
“Forlay,” roared Tawaki. “Thou art charged with being a Mary Sue, stealing the name of Tobias' grandmother, turning into a vulture without the Escafil Device, kidnapping Harry Potter to use as a second in thy petty spat, preventing the Animorphs from being suspicious (they need to be if they are to survive), and krutzing off PPC Agents. Any last words?”
“FOAD,” spat the Sue.
Tangara seized her and they portalled to the Jahar as it plunged, devoid of air, towards the black hole, just after Chapman's rescue and the Agents donned an air hood each and spaced all the leftover ones. They left the Sue without one and portalled to the barn to wait for canon to reassert itself.
“That was way too humane,” said Tangara. “She was out like a light before we'd portalled out.”
Soon the Animorphs showed signs of horror. Tawaki neuralyzed them, Cassie noticed a missing squirrel, and then they portalled to Hogwarts. Once they'd neuralyzed Harry, the Agents portalled back to RC 4096. There were messages for each of them: Kedri'Neref had graduated and was now ready to work with Tangara at RC 15625. Meanwhile, Nick had recovered and Tawaki was to meet him in Medical.
When he arrived in Medical, the place was nearly empty. There were two patients besides Nick: Sirius Black was recovering from knife wounds and Idril Celebrindal had evidently been turned into a Protector in a LotR/Known Space crossover. There was a young lady with shoulder-length black hair and brown eyes talking to Nick.
“Tawaki?” said Nick, “I'd like you to meet my fiancée, Agent Kamkenta Squee, Department of Floaters.”
“Congratulations,” said Tawaki. “When's the wedding?”
“After our next missions,” replied Nick.
“Told the SO and the Marquis de Sod?”
“Are you NUTS!?” asked Kamkenta. “They'll give us a mission just when we're saying our vows.”
“They need to know,” said Tawaki. “The MdS is in charge of personnel, so you bet it'll know anyway.”
They thanked the good doctor and went to Mini Care to pick up Saaveedroo. He was fine, and glad to see Tawaki.
“This is Saaveedroo,” said Tawaki as they left Mini Care. Then the mini-Hi-Blah burst out of its cage and stomped Tawaki's right foot. With a yell, Tawaki kicked the mini off his foot for a few seconds.
“DOWN, Boing Gloing!” commanded the caretaker.
For the masochistic among you, the link can be found at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/263522/1/