Episode 11: Dragon Surprise
In Response Center #4913, a mini-Gwythaint was asleep on a perch and a mini-Camoudile was curled up on a cushion. A man leaning on a yellow-handled sponge mop with most of the sponge missing was hanging up a Myst poster.
“Warbler!” The man jumped and looked to see a Yuuzhan Vong warrior in the doorway. “Yes, Hul?”
“Iskillion is on his way back from Medical. It was a close thing; he called Korax a yIH ngaghwi' Luckily, he was in human form, so all he had to do was do some creative dodging, demorph out of his injured body after Korax was restrained, and apologize. They were in a hurry to neuralyze Korax and send him back.”
“Okay,” said Tawaki, “I recognized yIH (tribble), but what does ngaHwi' mean?”
“ngaghwi',” corrected Hul. “One who mates with.”
Cue Tawaki introducing his hand to his forehead. “He did WHAT? He called a Klingon warrior a tribble f---er?”
“Here he comes,” said Hul.
Iskillion entered the room. [Yes, I did. Never get into a war of words with a Klingon.]
“Welcome back!” exclaimed Tawaki. Then his expression grew more serious. “You're lucky to be-”
Naturally, the console chose that moment to play the “Fireplace Theme” from the Myst soundtrack. Tawaki limped over and read the fic. “SUUUUE!” he yelled.
[Let me guess,] said Iskillion. [Star Trek.]
“Indeed,” replied Tawaki in his best Spock voice.
“Who's the victim this time?” asked Hul.
“Spock. A part-dragon Sue.”
Hul went and set the disguises, with a look of distaste. He had been deprogrammed from the death cult of the Yuuzhan Vong, but still had trouble with machines. Just a couple of months earlier, facing a Hitchhiker Sue, he had almost killed Tawaki for calling him Marvin.
They portalled into the Spock's quarters. All were science officers (one NEVER dialed up a red uniform for Star Trek), and all were armed with phasers. Hul was a Terran, Iskillion-
“Hul, you moron,” hissed Tawaki, “You made Iskillion a Talaxian (Talaxians live in the Delta Quadrant, for squees' sake). I'm leaning on a lirpa, a Vulcan ceremonial weapon. Also, these phasers are a model from Next Generation.”
Iskillion felt his face – and groaned. “You're never programming disguises again, Hul. You also made Tawaki a Bajoran, another species that the Federation has yet to meet.”
Tawaki looked in a mirror. “Who has the DORKS?
“Hul, I think,” replied Iskillion.
“I thought you had it,” replied Hul.
Tawaki started pounding his head against a bulkhead. “We really have to avoid attracting attention now.”
“Quiet,” hissed Hul. “Here comes Mr. Spock.”
Spock was tired. He had never been as tired in his life, except once, now. Pulling a quadruple shift was exhausting. Even being half Vulcan, he was still tired. He hoped he wouldn’t get called back on duty. All he wanted to do was sleep. Even his meditations were going to be put aside tonight. Spock slowly made his way down the corridor and to his quarters, where he promptly collapsed into his ‘comfy’ chair as Aeryn had put it.
“I seem to remember him going without sleep for a longer time during “The Paradise Syndrome,” Tawaki whispered. He pulled out his CAD.
Spock son of Sarek son of Skon son of Solkar. Vulcan male. Canon. 25% OOC error 50% OOC error
Tawaki switched it off. “I'd forgotten how useless it was.”
“If we'd stand out like sore thumbs,” asked Hul, “why do we talk at all?”
“Canon's so far out of whack that, even as we look, we have to attract attention to get it” replied Iskillion.
Aeryn Spock called out telepathically.
Yes Spock Aeryn answered.
Where are you
I’m in the bedroom, silly
I apologize. I am quite tired
Two mini-Tribbles, Aeryn Spock and Yes Spock Aeryn, telepathized nonsense at everyone. Then, the Agents were whipped around by PoV changes caused by a lack of any sort of quotation marks, italicization, or other way of denoting dialogue.
Iskillion, Tawaki, and Hul waited outside Spock's quarters. It turned out the Sue was waiting inside. She gave Spock a massage and he went right to sleep.
“How are we going to kill the Sue?” asked Tawaki.
“Something I haven't done yet,” said Iskillion and he tallied on his fingers. “I've already killed Sues and Stus with Horta acid, a tricobalt device, Ceti eels, the bad weather conjured by the Whale Song of Doom, the Taresians' tender murders, a faulty transporter, the cold vacuum of space, the destruction of Praxis, a legion of Jem'Hadar, Rura Penthe, the Salt Vampire, a phaser, and the false Eden (the planet where everything's acidic).”
“You gave the Taresians a Stu?” asked Tawaki.
“Serve him right, making Uhura a slut. At any rate, how should we kill this Sue?”
“The Genesis Planet. When it's coming to pieces, that is.”
“There's a time wrench coming,” warned Hul. “Let's go to when Spock-”
Too late. The time wrench slammed them against the bulkheads.
When Spock did wake, he felt relaxed and refreshed. He went out into his living quarters found a hand written note addressed to him on his desk. It was from Aeryn.
Good morning sunshine. Glad to see you’re up. I’m in Sickbay so Dr. McCoy can run some experiments on my dragon physiology. I made breakfast for you and it should still be warm. By the way, your parents arrive at 1300 hours today. Love You.
“Dragons,” groaned Iskillion. “Why did it have to be dragons?”
The Sue had left him some casual attire: A black turtleneck sweater and black jeans. She thought them sexy. He then went to meet her at Sickbay. “This one's racking up charges faster than OOP did,” observed Tawaki.
A spatial wrench landed them in sickbay. Spock entered just as the Sue was transforming from dragon to human.
“There's a PPC Agent who can do that,” said Tawaki. “If I could just remember her name.”
“I can become a dragon, as I acquired Ancalagon during a LotR Silmverse mission. And dragon is Agent Verra's natural form.”
“Well, what if we portalled to an empty world (say, Delta Vega), and you morphed dragon and-”
“No good. I tried that with a Beowulf!Sue. Got massive indigestion. Not the Sue-icosis that human cannibals get from eating Sues, though.”
It was about then that Kirk called for Spock. Evidently, Sarek and Amanda had arrived early. The Sue went with Spock and they spatial-wrenched to the transporter room.
“Mother, Father, welcome to the Enterprise.” Spock said calmly. Amanda, his mother, hugged him. Sarek merely nodded. “May I show you to your quarters?”
“Of course my son, but wont you also introduce us to your friend?” Amanda asked.
“This is Aeryn.” Spock answered. Aeryn herself was used to his manner and was in no way offended by the curt introduction. Amanda was a little rebuffed, but paid it no mind.
“Nice to meet you Aeryn.” She said and extended her hand.
“It’s an honor to meet you both.” Aeryn answered politely as she shook hands with Spock’s mother.
Iskillion, Tawaki, and Hul were whipped around by more PoV changes as it was established that Dr. McCoy needed to run some more tests on the Sue.
“Why doesn't he give her a strychnine-tolerance test?” Tawaki asked Iskillion.
“It isn't the mirror universe.”
“I know; I'm just saying.”
Spock, Sarek, and Amanda discussed the Sue.
Amanda raised an eyebrow, very much like Sarek and Spock did, evidence of her time spent among Vulcan’s. Spock sighed inwardly and gave in. “We are mated. After pon farr, I believed I had killed Captain Kirk. Aeryn explained the Dr. McCoy’s trick. I was in a small state of shock and still emotional from the fever. Aeryn helped me to meditate and get my control back. Later I sank into a melancholy over the ordeal. I believed that had I been in T’Pring’s place, I also might have chosen another. Aeryn reasoned with me and I believe that is when I began falling in love with her. She staid with me from the beginning to the end.” He stopped there, hoping he hadn’t said too much.
Commander Spock son of Sarek son of Skon son of Solkar. Vulcan male. Canon. 70% OOC error 90% OOC error-
“Try mine,” said Iskillion, who produced his CAD.
Commander Spock son of Sarek son of Skon son of Solkar. Vulcan male. Canon. 85% OOC error error faulty faulty sterilize sterilize
The CAD sparked and died. Hul produced his new Canon Analysis Beetle, a type of goliath beetle bioengineered to detect and report OOC. Its wings started buzzing frantically.
Sarek and Amanda noticed the Sue's telepathic abilities.
“We’ll I’m part dragon and can read them naturally.”
“Dragon? What do you mean by part dragon? I thought dragons were a myth.”
“They are now. I am the last half dragon. All the full dragons died out centuries ago; we’re talking the age of King Arthur. Half dragons on the other hand were a little more wide spread. While we don’t have the extensive lifespan of a full dragon, we have the reproductive capabilities of a human. However our population has dwindled over the last 3 centuries because more and more half dragons mated with humans. When that happens, their children are born human and the half dragon person usually ends up dying sooner.”
Tawaki sighed. “So you marry a Vulcan instead. Granted they live a little longer, but…”
The Sue insisted that whatever happened to Spock, she would refuse to fade.
“What if one of us had a Morgul-blade from LotR?” Tawaki asked Iskillion and Hul.
“You don't, do you?” asked Iskillion.
“No; I'm just saying.”
Then Amanda asked about how the dragon half would manifest itself.
Aeryn and Amanda went to the shuttlebay where Aeryn transformed into a large dragon as tall as 2 shuttles stacked atop one another and at least 3 long. She was black and shiny as ebony with bright green eyes. Amanda stared in awe. They talked for a little while longer before Aeryn, now in human form, led them back to her and Spock’s quarters.
Then a third mini-Tribble, Spock Aeryn, telepathized at everyone. Then the quoteless telepathizing suddenly whipped them around again, and in the middle of it appeared a fourth mini-Tribble, As you wish Spock. Then Spock told Amanda that the Sue had gotten him to embrace his emotions. Hul's CAB started buzzing really loudly. After a long conversation, Amanda went to speak with Sarek. A little more quoteless telepathizing later, they “went to bed and made love all night.” Hul's CAB went completely berserk. When it couldn't enter Spock's quarters, it vented its frustration on the next Random J. Redshirt who passed by. Bonk bonk, as the Onlies would say.
“Who are you?” asked the gray-haired security officer.
Iskillion thought fast. “I'm Ensign Ixillion, and these are Crewmen Mora and Hull.”
“I know of no such crew members.”
Iskillion thought of a ship. “We just transferred from the Jonathan Archer.”
“Nice try, but we haven't been on the same side of the Federation as the U. S. S. Archer for quite some time.” The redshirt pulled out his communicator. “Intruders on Deck 5, just outside Spock's quarters. They are in Starfleet uniform...”
“Well,” said Tawaki, “now you've done it.” He quickly drew his phaser. “I'm sorry,” he said as he stunned the redshirt.
Soon, Spock and the Sue emerged, decent again. Immediately, Hul seized the Sue and they portalled. But instead of arriving at the Genesis Planet, they arrived on board a Borg Cube in the Delta Quadrant, and some eight or nine decades later than intended.
“Iskillion?” asked Tawaki.
“YOU DIMWIT!” hollered Iskillion. “WHAT IN YAOLIN WERE YOU THINKING?”
“I'm sorry. I could have sworn I was entering the right coordin- oh, we were in a hurry as your story had fallen flat.”
“Well, I'll read the charges.”
“I got the Sue restrained,” said Hul.
“Aeryn!” bellowed Iskillion. “You are charged being a Mary Sue, with being part dragon, with failing to use of any sort of telepathy quotes, italicization, or anything (thereby creating mini-Tribbles and dizzying person shifts), with making Spock embrace his emotional side, with romancing him, with infuriating Tawaki- HEY! Anyway, you are further charged with making yourself the one to report Kirk's survival at the end of “Amok Time,” and with- oh no, you don't!” The Sue had begun to turn into a dragon. Instinctively, Tawaki swung his lirpa and severed the partially-transformed Sue's neck. He then overbalanced and lost his grip on the lirpa, which fell over the railing and killed a Borg drone.
Immediately, the Collective was alerted to their presence. Even before the lirpa had shattered far below, Iskillion, Tawaki, and Hul were fighting for their lives. Then the Borg seized Hul. Tawaki and Iskillion fried a few drones before the Borg adapted to the frequency. Then their disguises dropped.
“Oh no,” groaned Tawaki. “This can't be good.”
[I'll hold them off while you destroy the machinery,] said Iskillion. Tawaki phasered the remote activator and his CAD. Then he pulled out his KI-cellphone – and realized that he should notify HQ.
Agent Tadkeeta was meeting with the SO when a tritonal klaxon sounded. “What's that?” she asked.
Oh my Gardener! It's the Borg alarm! It sounds whenever an Agent is assimilated.
Just then, Tadkeeta's KI-cellphone rang. “Hello? Tadkeeta here.”
“Tadkeeta?” called Agent Tawaki. “We have an urgent message for Upstairs. We are in Scenario Foxtrot Foxtrot November Two Seven Four Four Seven Seven Niner. We have just killed the Sue, but the Borg are after us. Excuse me a minute. Iskillion? I think they've adapted to your tail blade. Anyway, they have taken Hul.”
“Hul Choka?” gasped Tadkeeta. “Oh, flaming Denethor!”
“Somehow they've lowered our disguises, revealing the Andalite and Yuuzhan Vong among us. In accordance with regulations, we are destroying all our machinery. The remote activator and my CAD are already garbage.”
“We know about the Borg. The moment he was assimilated, an alarm went off up here. We will get directions soon.”
“I'm so sorry.”
“Well, I have to break this phone now, so goodbye.” Then he blew a kiss and rang off.
Go Downstairs, said the SO, who had been looking up the source.. Gather as many agents as you can find and go to FFN2744779, Borg Cube 2312, Stardate 49987.4. You'll need all the help you can get neuralyzing the Borg.
Tadkeeta burst into the lounge three minutes later. “MULTIVERSE EMERGENCY IN STAR TREK!” she yelled. “AGENT HUL HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED BY THE BORG!”
To be continued...
For the masochistic among you, the link can be found at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2744779/1/.