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Episode 18: Anakin Skywalker & the Jedi's Gem
“Anakin Skywalker,” said Natalie, “wasn't he Luke Skywalker's father?”
“How familiar are you with Star Wars?” asked Melpomene.
“I read I, Jedi for Terran Lit class my junior year at Archer High, the New Jedi Order novels three years ago, and went though a pre-Clone Wars holonovel last year, but that's it.”
“We don't have time to bring you up to speed,” said Tawaki.
Just then, Saaveedroo entered the room. “What is that?” asked Natalie.
“That,” said Tawaki,” is my mini-Camoudile, Saaveedroo. Melpomene has a mini-Dragon named Rabbadash.”
“Rabadash the Ridiculous?”
“Whenever a canon name's spelled wrong, a mini-something comes along,” said Tawaki .
“Melpomene has briefed me.”
They piloted the TARDIS to the Lars homestead as the fic began.
Cliegg Lars and his son Owen lived with a couple of droids on Tatooine and were proud to say that they were perfectly normal. In fact, they were the last people you’d expect to have anything to do with the Jedi Order because they didn’t believe in the Force.
Cliegg worked on a moisture farm all day like most people on Tatooine did. He was a middle-aged man with brown hair, a mustache and small beard. His son Owen was spoiled little boy. In Cliegg’s opinion there was nobody more perfect in the world.
Their Canon Analysis Devices spontaneously combusted. “Causing... total... canon... rupture,” noted Tawaki.
Cliegg left that morning to get some more vaporator components.
When he reached the edge of town, something drove vaporator parts out of his mind. As he sat through the morning traffic jam in his speeder, he couldn’t help noticing that there were a lot of strangely dressed beings about, people in cloaks. Cliegg couldn’t stand people who dressed in funny clothes. His eyes fell on a huddle of weirdos standing close by. They seemed to be whispering excitedly to each other. He couldn’t help but notice that these people were dressed like those Jedi lunatics.
Cliegg had forgotten all about Jedi and people in cloaks until he saw another group of them on his way home. He eyed them angrily as he passed; they made him uneasy. This group was whispering as well and he managed to catch a few words of what they were saying.
“The Skywalkers, that’s what I heard-,”
“-Yes, her son Anakin-,”
Cliegg stopped dead and fear flooded him. Then he shook his head. Skywalker wasn’t a bizarre, unusual name. He wasn’t eve sure of his stepson was called Anakin. He’d never even seen the boy. There was no point in worrying.
The protocol droid walked into the room. “Master Cliegg, you haven’t heard from your ex-wife lately have you?” it asked.
“No,” Cliegg said sharply.
“Funny stuff on the Holonet,” the droid said. “I just thought maybe it had something to do with her crowd.”
“Her son,” Cliegg asked, “What was his name again?”
“Anakin, sir,” the droid answered.
Cliegg’s heart sank and he didn’t say another word. Quietly, he went to bed and gave the droids instructions to take care of Owen. Was he imagining things? Even if he wasn’t, what were the chances of Shmi coming to his farm? Slim to none of course.
“EX-WIFE!?” yelled Tawaki Then a spatial wrench took them to a conversation between Dumbledore!Yoda and McGonagall!Aayla. It transpired that Sidious had murdered Shmi and had vanished. In spite of his medication, Tawaki's eyes were beginning to mist over again. Of course, Harry!Anakin was going to live with the Dursley!Larses. Then...
“The best place for him, it is,” Yoda said firmly. “Explain everything later his stepfather will. A holomessage I have recorded.”
“A holomessage?” Aayla asked incredulously. “These people will never understand him. He’ll be famous- a legend. Every child in the galaxy will know his name.”
“Exactly,” Yoda said. “Too much for him it will be.”
The Twi’lek remained silent for a few moments before continuing. “Yes, you’re right of course but how is he getting here?”
“Bringing him Jar Jar is,” he answered.
“You think it’s wise to trust Jar Jar with something as important as this?” she asked. “I’m not saying his heart isn’t in the right place,” she said, almost grudgingly. “But you can’t pretend he isn’t clumsy.”
“No,” agreed Melpomene. “You can't pretend the League of Mary Sue Factories isn't evil, you can't pretend our situation isn't dire, and you can't pretend Jar Jar isn't clumsy.”
“Who is Jar Jar?” asked Natalie.
“Later,” snarled Tawaki.
“Take a deep breath and calm down, Tawaki.”
“You're telling me to take a deep breath and calm down when we've got a COMPLETE KRIFFING CANON RUPTURE?” Just then, Tawaki's KI-cellphone rang. He opened it. “Hello?” he asked.
“It's me,” said Tadkeeta.
“Sorry about my tone of voice; I'm having a very bad day.”
“A pile of badfic?”
“You could say that.”
There was a somber note in Tadkeeta's voice. “The Smut Carver is dead,” she said.
“What? Who was he?” asked Tawaki. The Smut Carver was the name given by the DIA to someone who had been carving brain-burning PWP on corridor walls. Tawaki had actually heard about this from an irate Reepicheep, who had seen himself paired with Edmund in a vandalism near Medical.
“She. Agent Melba from Out-of-Character Hobbits. She was carving a Leela/Romana smutfic, and Leela was being accompanied back to FicPsych. Leela had a Janis thorn in her possession.”
“Who the kriff let her have one? And what got into Melba?”
“I do not know and I do not know.”
“Listen,” Tawaki changed the subject, “could you please pray for wisdom for me? I'll need it before long. I am not allowed to say more.”
“And say hi to Five of Six for me.” Five of Six and Tadkeeta had been best of friends since childhood.
“Will do. I love you.”
“I love you too.” He blew a kiss and they rang off. He was calmer, although he still had a faint red mist in his eyes.
A low rumbling broke the night’s silence. It grew steadily louder as they searched for a nearby speeder. Then, the Jedi looked to the sky and a small Jedi fighter landed in front of them. A single Gungan stepped out of the fighter, his long ears flapping. He held a bundle of blankets in his arms.
“Jar Jar,” said Yoda, relieved. “Get that fighter, where did you?”
“Mesa borrowed it,” the Gungan answered. “Qui-Gon Jinn lent it to mesa.” He presented the bundle to Yoda. “Mesa got him!”
Thanks to the ambiguous pronoun reference, Jar Jar carried the baby Qui-Gon instead of Anakin.
“Making... Jar Jar... able... to... fly.. a... fighter,” noted Melpomene. “Making... Qui-Gon... a baby.”
Tawaki flew the TARDIS ten years ahead to avoid a time wrench. Then they witnessed a recapitulation of the Dudley's birthday scene with Owen as Dudley and Anakin as Harry. Then they went outside, and Harry!Anakin lifted Dudley!Owen into the air. He strained his memory to find Sidious leading Sandpeople to kill his mother, and had fantasized in his youth about being a Jedi and getting back at the Dursley!Larses.
WHAM! A time wrench flung the TARDIS against the cellar wall. Dudley!Owen was going to a military school.
The next morning while they were eating breakfast, Threepio walked into the room. “Excuse me, Master Cliegg,” he said. “But we’re receiving a message from a Master Secura.”
Cliegg froze mid chew and dropped his utensils at the droid’s words. “What’s wrong, dad?” Owen asked curiously. Anakin was wondering the same thing.
Threepio continued, “She says her message is for Master Anakin.”
Anakin ran into the next room and was about to listen to Master Secura’s message when Cliegg grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him back. He grabbed a curious Owen the same way and dragged then both away from the hologram projector. “Get out, both of you!” he yelled, shoving them back into the kitchen.
Immediately, the two boys fought for the best eavesdropping position. Because he was bigger and stronger, Owen won and Anakin was forced to settle for second best.
“Ignore it,” Cliegg was telling Threepio. “Send no reply.”
“Yes, sir,” Threepio said obediently.
The next morning at breakfast, a different protocol droid interrupted them. “Master Cliegg, we’re receiving a message for Master Anakin.”
“Any more time wrenches and someone'll break their neck,” said Tawaki.
“We can skip to their arrival on Kamino,” replied Melpomene.
They did so.
They landed on one of the stilt-supported platforms of Tipoca City and never left the ship. Immediately, Cliegg shut down all communications systems. Cliegg and Owen took up the two beds and left Anakin to sleep on the floor near the boarding ramp with Threepio.
Shivering from the cold, Anakin glanced around. Threepio was shut down in the corner and a small clock blinked from a control console. It was only ten seconds until his birthday! He sighed and began to count them down. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two.
As if on cue, the boarding ramp began to lower with a loud hissing sound. Awakened, Cliegg and Owen ran into sight. “What in the blazes are you doing, boy?” Cliegg shouted furiously.
But Anakin never answered; he was too busy staring at the odd couple of beings that had just walked in.
It was McGonagall!Aayla and Dumbledore!Yoda. They explained to Harry!Anakin who he was, who his mother was, his Jedi heritage, the whole eight point one meters. Aayla snapped and threatened Vernon!Cliegg with a lightsaber. Then, they took Harry!Anakin to their ship and flew to Coruscant.
The First Galactic Bank represented Gringotts, and there was a Goblin named Griphook. Tawaki pounded his head against a bulkhead.
Three sets of plain work robes. (Brown for Force majors, green for secret service majors and blue for political majors)
One pair of protective gloves.
One winter cloak. (Color distinctions apply.)
MANDANTORY COURSE BOOKS
Herbs and Fungi of the Galaxy by Phyllida Spore
Galactic Languages by Noah Cruze
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander
An Idiots Guide to Flying by Cameron Skylark
An Overview of Galactic History by Bathilda Bagshot
FORCE MAJOR COURSE BOOKS
The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection by Quentin Trimble
A Theory of the Force by Adalbert Waffling
SECRET SERVICE MAJOR COURSE BOOKS
Tracking and Hunting for Morons by Emeric Switch
POLITICS MAJOR COURSE BOOKS
Rhetoric by Jimmy Schimtz
Force majors are required to build their own lightsaber at Ollivander’s.
Students may bring either a protocol droid or an astromech droid.
First year students are NOT allowed to have their own podracers.
“Do we have a Canon Catapult?” asked Tawaki.
“I saw a Catapult in storage,” replied Natalie.
“Get it ASAP. We need to restore canon before Big Beelzebub breaks in.”
Murphy laughed as the cloister bell rang, warning Tawaki, Melpomene, and Natalie that Big Brother had taken control of the fic from the Suethor.
When Ollivander picked up Anakin's lightsaber from canon, it turned into a corner of a crystalline tetrahedron. Then his features changed; he was really Big Brother in disguise. He laughed maniacally and vanished with the segment. Tawaki felt the Bloodwrath coming on again, so he retired to the zero room.
Natalie returned with the Canon Catapult, Melpomene fetched the Interstellar Projectiles, and they blasted away at the fic. “Fanfic wraith,” announced Melpomene, “you are charged with making Cliegg hate Shmi, making him abusive to Anakin, with making Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Padmé the same age, with making Owen a spoiled brat, with making Jar Jar able to fly a fighter, with making Qui-Gon a baby through an ambiguous pronoun reference, with making Aayla Secura threaten Cliegg, with bringing Ollivander and Gringotts to Star Wars, with bastardizing the book list, and with completely remaking the Academy and the Jedi Temple.”
By then, Star Wars canon had reasserted itself, but for how long? After all, Big Brother had a segment of the Key to Canon.
To be continued...
For the masochistic among you, the link can be found at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3312984/1/Anakin_Skywalker_&_the_Jedis_Gem.