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Episode 19: A Wunderkind

Narnia belongs to the estate of C. S. Lewis, TARDISes, the Key to Time arc, ubiquitous-phrase-wherever-a-TARDIS-goes memes, and sonic screwdrivers belong to the BBC; “Who's on First” belongs to the estates of Abbott and Costello; Agent Mara belongs to araeph; Big Brother belongs to the estate of George Orwell; “Kublai Khan” is public domain but since it is not mine I must disclaim it; “A Wunderkind” belongs to Alanis Morisette; this fic belongs to frodoschick (not that I want it). Thanks to tungsten_monk for beta-reading this.

Read this first and this second.

Episode 19: A Wunderkind

“What the hell are we going to do now?” asked Melpomene.
“Make sure he doesn't get any more segments,” replied Natalie. She interfaced the Tracer with the TARDIS again, and the TARDIS left for the next fic.
Tawaki emerged from the zero room. “I don't understand,” he said. “The Bloodwrath keeps coming on.”
“Well,” said Melpomene, “we're coming up on Narnia.”
“What's the fic?” asked Tawaki.
Natalie's face fell. “Miranda, a Wunderkind who – WHAT?”
“A three-four double play?” asked Tawaki.
“Huh?” asked Natalie.
“'Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.'”
“What are you talking about.
“It's a twentieth century comedy routine about baseball,” said Melpomene.
“I know nothing of baseball.”
“Jokes aside,” said Melpomene, “we're facing a textbook Mary Sue who bamfs into Narnia from the future.”
“What?” asked Natalie. Melpomene simply materialized the TARDIS into the fic and activated the viewscreen and loudspeaker. They immediately wished she'd waited for the Author's Note to end.

I totally love the ideas I get. This is the latest in a series of weird dreams that I had. I just shaped the mists of dreams into this story! I hope you like!

Disclaimer: I own nothing...not even my boxed Narnia set. WAH!


Natalie pounded her head against a bulkhead.
Tawaki recited, “In Xanadu did Kublai Khan/A stately pleasure dome decree/Where Alph, the sacred river, ran-”
“What are you reciting?” asked Melpomene.
“'Kublai Khan,' which Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote in a dream and was able to transcribe a fragment of when awake. Good writing has been known to mar the effects of bad.”

Miranda, the green-skinned Sue, was in a hospital.

"Now, Miss. These nice doctors are here to see you." said a nurse, trying to coax her out.
"They're always here to poke me, prod me, and give me shots! So what if my skin is slightly green? So what if my eyes change colors with my moods? So what if I'm different? I want to be left alone!" she shouted, her voice slightly muffled by the sheets.
"Miranda." said her normal doctor, Dr. Long. "We don't know what plagues you. We don't know if it's deadly, or if it's just a phase. Now-"


The Sue got mad and drove Doctor Long out. She then screamed at the nurse and complained over the food. Then she watched a cartoon called “Ed, Edd, and Eddy.”

Miranda's eyes slowly changed. The pupils changed back to the black/blue that was normal, and her irises changed to a light blue. Fifteen minutes into the cartoon, her eyes went slowly grey. She sighed and reached for a fallen book. A knock sounded on the door. Gina went over and opened it.

“I'll give her black and blue eyes,” snarled Tawaki, whose own were developing a red mist again.
It was the Sue's family, with a pepper pizza. The Sue's eyes turned “a gentle gold-laced pink,” which tied her irises in knots. Watch your poetic descriptors, people.

Maybe that was why she was palpitating and hyperventilating while singing “her song” a few hours later. “Her song” was “Wunderkind” from the credits to The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Each breath hurt more and her vision grew dark. But alas, she was not dead.
Melpomene piloted the TARDIS to Narnia to avoid a spatial wrench, but arrived early.
Tawaki looked out the viewscreen. “Something draws near; I can feel it,” he said in his best Legolas voice (which was not very good, since he was a baritone while Movie!Legolas is a tenor).
“Coming straight for us,” added Natalie.
Tawaki returned. “It's Father Christmas!” he exclaimed. “And he's coming our way!”
They left the TARDIS (which looked like a large rock) as the sleigh pulled up and Father Christmas disembarked.
Salue uobis, Episcope Nicola,” said Tawaki. “Festum Natiuitatis Christi felix!” (Greetings, Bishop Nicholas. Merry Christmas.)
“Your accent could use some work,” replied Father Christmas, “I have not been a bishop for a long time, and I usually spoke Greek, not Latin. And you do not need to show off, in any case.”
“Sorry.”
“Before you ask, I have not come across the Mary Sue or a devil from another continuum. I have these gifts for you. Lieutenant junior grade Natalie Green, formerly of the Federation starship Voyager?”
“How did you know?” asked Natalie.
“Aslan briefs me on everyone I will meet. I give you Agent Di'atwt's Guide to Learning in the Field.”
“Thank you,” she said, accepting the book.
“I thought that was out of print,” said Tawaki.
“Time means little more to me than locked doors. Agent Melpomene,” here Father Christmas rummaged through his sack and produced a sonic screwdriver. “You know better than I what this is.”
“Thank you,” said Melpomene..
“Tawaki,” here Father Christmas paused, “I give you the gift of control over your berserk rage; it will not control you.”
“Thank you ever so much,” said Tawaki, already feeling a little calmer.
“This is not a cure,” warned Father Christmas. “This control will only last a week of your reckoning, as that is all I could do. That is, however, much longer than is needed for you to finish your task. Then there is this,” here he produced a TARDIS randomizer.
“Thanks.”
“Long live Aslan. And Merry Christmas!” “Merry Christmas,” called the Agents as he drove off.
“An in-character canonical,” said Natalie as they returned to the TARDIS. “Is that a good sign or-“
“Shut it,” hissed Melpomene. “Laws of Narrative Comedy, you know.”
“Get in, fast,” said Tawaki. “The Sue's arriving.” They did and closed the TARDIS doors. An Author's Note blared and then the Sue appered.

"Cold...it's so dang cold...man, the hospital air-conditioner must be on the fritz." thought Miranda, shivering in the blackness. Her eyes remained closed, even though she was awake. "Man, even the blanket feels cold...and wet? Okay...creepy. Open your eyes Miranda. Open them..." Miranda slid her eyes open. She was surrounded by a blanket of white. It was if she had been submerged in a cloud, a cold cloud. She wondered if she could sit up. So she did.
Pure white powdery snow fell from her as she sat up, freeing her torso. She looked around in amazement. Where the heck was she..? She definitely wasn't in the hospital anymore. In fact...she didn't think she was in her universe anymore. The last time she had been in let alone played in snow was several years before she had been confined in the hospital as a potentially dangerous disease carrier. She slowly stood up, the snow falling from her even more. She stared at the clothes that she was wearing, different from anything she'd ever seen in a fashion magazine. A skin-tight, long-sleeved shirt that was pure white, blending in almost perfectly with the snow on it. A pair of pants graced her legs, just white as the shirt and billowing like sails. She attempted movement. She moved as lithely as a lamb and as gracefully as an otter in a river. It was as though water flowed through her veins and fire had embalmed her heart. Something clanked against her chest cavity.


“Everlasting Cat!” exclaimed Melpomene. For there was evidently water in the Sue's veins, she looked like she was about to have a heart attack, and Melpomene had a sneaking suspicion the Sue's heart and ribs were metal.
Tawaki and Natalie gawked, and then Tawaki dialed up the Department of Technical Errors. “Hello?” asked Agent Mara.
“Hi. This is Tawaki. Is the Reality Room in use?”
“I don't think so. Why?”
“Because we have a Sue with water in her veins and fire around her heart. It's not time to charge her yet, but when the time comes...”
“Consider it reserved,” replied Mara.
“Thank you.” They exchanged goodbyes and rang off.

She pulled out a necklace, a largish gold pendant. Emeralds as green as new leaves wove a pattern in the gold, twisting and turning. It almost seemed alive. She ran her hands along the chain, trying to find the clasp. There was none. She swiftly tried to pull it over her head. It was too small, she could not remove it. She sat down hard in the snow. This was too much. First she was outta the hospital, then she was in new clothes, then she was so graceful, then the necklace that wouldn't come off! What next?

Melpomene interfaced the Tracer with a Canon Analysis Device.

Miranda. Wunderkind female. Non-canon. Mary Sue. No Key to Canon segment present.

Jadis came along and the Sue hid in a tree. The branch broke.

"Who are you?" asked the woman in the now very familiar cold voice. Miranda slowly sat up, noting that she didn't ask if she was alright, if she needed help or what she was doing up the tree. Miranda just stared at the cold eyes devoid of emotion.
"Who are you?" This time the question was more like an order. Miranda had an epiphany. She gestured to her throat, and shook her head.
"So you can't talk." said the woman. Miranda shook her head, inwardly relieved that her ploy had worked. "What if I don't believe you?" The woman raised her staff until it was pointing straight at Miranda's throat. Miranda gulped, then took off.
"After her!" the woman bellowed. Jingle bells started back up again, this time faster than ever. Miranda ran into the thick of the forest hoping that the sleigh could not follow. She dodged around trees, rocks and such as she listened to the jingle bells grow louder. Well, she'd been wrong before. She came up to a rather large stream, more like a rivulet. The bells were right behind her! There was only one thing to do! Without thinking about the consequences, not thinking about how thick the ice was, she leaped.


She actually fell like a normal person instead of a Sue. She then hid until Jadis gave up for the time being. Then she passed out. Like anyone else falling asleep in the cold, she was soon dead. Not.
While they waited for the some time to pass, Tawaki did some scanning, and it seemed the third segment was at or near the Beavers'. The cloister bell made that jangling noise again; Big Brother had commandeered the fic. Tawaki, Melpomene, and Natalie charged out; Tawaki and Natalie as wood-people and Melpomene as a Talking Leopard. The Sue was going to overpower them (and Natalie looked badly injured). Tawaki prayed for assistance. It took a while, but Big Brother's influence waned and the Suethor's reasserted itself. Finally, the Sue passed out again.

They took Natalie back to the TARDIS and dragged the Sue along. Tawaki woke the Sue up and Melpomene read the charges. “Miranda, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, with being a non-canonical species (to wit, a Wunderkind), with stealing the song off the credits, with having green skin and mood-ring eyes, with bamfing into Narnia's past, with stealing Jill and Eustace's entrance to Narnia from The Last Battle, with having water in your veins, with having fire around your heart, with having steel ribs, with escaping Jadis, with falling asleep in the cold but waking up again, with conspiracy to insert yourself into a prophecy, with inflicting serious bodily harm on a PPC recruit, and with trying to steal part of the Key to Canon. Any last words?”
“'I am a magnet for all kinds of deep-' mmph!” Melpomene gagged her with one paw.
Meanwhile, Tawaki had been on the phone with Mara, who had turned down the heat in the Reality Room until it matched the TARDIS thermometer's readings for Lantern Waste. They portalled the Sue in. “Thank you for your help,” said Tawaki.
“Any time,” said Mara.

They flew the TARDIS into the Beavers' abandoned lodge after they'd evacuated with the Pevensies. While Melpomene looked after Natalie, Tawake left the TARDIS, now in the form of a chair. He found the phrase “Silver gate” written on the inside of the Beavers' door. Chalking it up to the Sue's lingering influence, he followed the Tracer to the sewing machine. On contact, it turned into another segment.

To be concluded...

For the masochistic among you, the link can be found at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2802153/1/A_Wunderkind.
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