Read this first, this second, and this third.
Episode 20: Lossenlindëiel
“How is Natalie?” asked Tawaki.
“Dying,” replied Melpomene.
“Dying?” asked Tawaki.
“BB strengthened Mary Sue's attacks.”
“I'll open a portal to Medical.”
“In her state, the shock would finish her off.”
“What do we do, then?”
“I had an idea. Suppose we turned her into a Time Lady and she regenerated?”
“Does she know Doctor Who?”
“Yes,” gasped Natalie, “And... I'll... do it...”
Tawaki programmed the form of a Time Lady with Natalie's exact appearance. A minute later, her nearly-colorless hair turned red, her skin darkened a shade or two, and her pale eyes turned brown. Her nose shrank a bit and her cranium went up a little higher. She got up just in time for the TARDIS to arrive in Arda.
As she went over to the room with all the spare wardrobe to replace her sciences division uniform with a security division one, Tawaki and Melpomene read the fic. It was a textbook Legomance!Sue. Tawaki activated the viewscreen and loudspeakers as the mysterious “They” found the Sue in the forest.
She was a child, small and slight, her limbs tiny and agile. Her hair, midnight black that shimmered almost blue in the sunlight, fell in loose curls past her shoulders, a striking contrast to her skin, pale gold, smooth and luminous. She wore only a thin, pale blue tunic, held at the waist by a black cord and coming to a ripped hem that ended just above her knees. There were traces of dirt on her small face, and she slept heavily, as though exhausted by great exertion.
“Those eyelash bats can be really strenuous, can't they?” said Natalie sarcastically.
“Note her metallic skin,” said Melpomene.
“They” took the Sue to Lothlórien, where Galadriel's eyes teared up over the Sue's innocence. Tawaki pulled out his Canon Analysis Device.
Artanis Nerwen, aka Galadriel. Elf female. Canoblickfasdorboom!
The CAD melted.
And then she grew.
“Into an insufferable old battle-axe,” riffed Natalie.
A time wrench threw the TARDIS around, and it went from being a mallorn tree to a mallorn log.
“Legolas GREENLEAF?” asked Tawaki. “Isn't that like calling Harry's godfather 'Sirius Dogstar'?”
Melpomene interfaced the Tracer with her CAD.
Legolas Thranduillion. Elf male. Canon. Key to Canon segment. 25% OOC.
“Thought so,” said Melpomene. “Astra was the Key to Time's last segment, after all.”
“So THAT'S why so many Sues are after him,” said Tawaki.
And finally, she reached her favourite spot, a small cove, dotted with shining pebbles, at the edge of the shallows. There she lay down, the cool water just lapping at the edges of her flimsy, blue dress. She closed her eyes against the rising sun and felt as though she were in a dream. This place was so beautiful.
“Adding a charge for comma abuse,” said Tawaki.
“And there is TOTALLY a cove in Lothlórien,” said Natalie. “Landlocked forests ALWAYS have coastlines.” Tawaki took out a handkerchief and wiped the Sar-Plasm off the Fanfic Viewscreen.
But for Legolas, kneeling, concealed by a large rock a few feet away, his eyes held a different kind of beauty. He looked on in wonderment at this strange, ethereal, perfect creature, her body lithe-limbed and pale golden, covered only by a very thin, shimmering pale blue dress that shone the same colour as her blue-black hair in the sunlight. The beautiful blue eyes were closed, but he held them in his memory now.
“Jadis in a block of ice!” exclaimed Melpomene. Since Legolas held the Sue's eyes in his memory, the Sue did not hold them in their sockets anymore.
Legolas speculated about the Sue.
She was still in her trance, her mind full of the sweetest birdsong and the rustling trees in the breeze and the sun on her skin, when she felt something touch her face. A soft, gentle caress. Slowly she opened her eyes, expecting an angel. What she saw was, however, not far off. A slender, young Elf, betrayed by his ears, blue-eyed, with long blond hair, wearing a finely-woven tunic that said something of his breeding. She could say nothing...only look at him. He, too, was seemingly mesmerised.
“Making... Legolas.. ears... have... blue... eyes,” noted Tawaki. “Giving... him... long... ear.. hair.”
The CAD began to jangle and the cloister bell to ring. The Tracer appeared in the Sue's hands and she turned Legolas into the last segment. Tawaki, Melpomene, and Natalie dashed out.
“Lossenlindëiel,” said Natalie, “you are charged with being a Mary Sue, with having metallic skin, with making Galadriel take you in, with making her cry over your beauty and innocence, with calling Legolas Legolas Laiquelassë, with comma abuse, with putting a cove in Lothlórien, with having Legolas hold your eyes, with giving his ears blue eyes, with giving him long ear hair, and with – I'll have those if you don't mind or even if you do,” here she claimed the segment, “and with seeking to steal the Key to Canon for Big Brother. You are sentenced to report your failure to him.” So saying, they dashed back into the TARDIS and activated the SEP-field..
The Sue pleaded for mercy, but there was none to be had. None of them dared observe; they turned off the viewscreen.
“Let's get out of here,” said Tawaki.
“What about the missing segment?” asked Natalie.
“It's beyond our reach; this is our only chance.”
He programmed coordinates to Ramandu's island and Tawaki prayed that they would lose Big Brother.
A stone pillar materialized by the table,. Natalie deactivated the SEP-field and they emerged with the segments. Ramandu was present, and Tawaki was able to explain the situation.
Not too long after, Aslan came on the scene. “You need not worry about Big Brother,” He said. “I have confined him to his native continuum for the duration of his reign over it. I also have the segment.”
“Thank you,” said Tawaki.
Aslan spoke to each of the Agents in turn, but none of them have revealed what was said. He disappeared after that, along with the Key to Canon. Legolas and the lightsaber He returned to their proper places and times, but what He did with the other two segments is unknown. Some say they were destroyed. Others say they are in Aslan's Kingdom.
Tawaki, Melpomene, and Natalie reported to the SO what had happened.
Good, said the SO.
“By the way,” said Tawaki, “Give my condolences to Agent Len's family and friends.”
Will do. So saying, the SO closed the connection.
About four minutes later, they got a message from the Toffee Tree.
“'Natalie Green will report to Medical',” read Tawaki. '“Agent Melpomene is hereby transferred to PPC TARDIS #1594 to work with Agent Skirfir, and Agent Tawaki Penguin will remain on PPC TARDIS #2274 and work with Agent Dustin O'Grady, whom he will meet in FicPsych.' What are we waiting for?” he added, and the TARDIS dematerialized.
They arrived in the FicPsych waiting room, the TARDIS taking on the form of a chair. They said their farewells and Melpomene portalled to her new TARDIS with Rabbadash. Natalie and Tawaki left the TARDIS and went their separate ways.
“I need Suebuprofen,” groaned a voice from the corridor leading to Multimedia Anti-Salivation. A young man with red hair, blue eyes, large leathery wings (folded up at the moment), and a few lingering traces of Suvian sparkliness limped in on a walking stick Tawaki thought he'd seen before.
“Are you all right?” asked Tawaki.
“Katisha. Jabba the Hutt. The Librarian.” The anthrozil groaned. “I'm an unwritten Gary Stu, so I had to be put through extra No-Drool videos.”
Tawaki winced. “I've had to sit through them a few times.”
“By the way, where can I find Agent Tawaki Penguin of the Department of Temporal Offenses?”
“You're talking to him.” Tawaki extended his hand.
“I'm Agent Dustin O'Grady.” They shook hands.
Tawaki entered the TARDIS and dialed up some Suebuprofen for Dustin. Dustin took a dose and his pained expression changed to relief. “Now,” he said, “we go pick up Yody.”
“You have a mini-Rancor?” asked Tawaki.
They left for mini-Care. Since they were going through the corridors and not using the TARDIS, they listened to mp3 players. Dustin was listening to some Russian pop and Tawaki to various works by Duke Ellington. Of course, no sooner had they left then the cloister bell rang back in the TARDIS to indicate a mission.
For the masochistic among you, the link can be found at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/611383/1/Lossenlind_iel